At times, Life can be: Hard. Messy. Complicated.
This year has brought about many changes. After almost ten years of marriage, we pulled the plug. It had been on life-support for years. We both had had enough. Our divorce was final in August. I have spent the past few months trying to pick up the pieces, regroup, regrow, relearn, and renew. A break-up/divorce isn’t as easy as it was pre-children. When it was just you- you could cut the ties- and be done for eternity; when children are involved, there are ties that can not be severed. You will be forever entwined with the other parent- for better- or worse- and your decisions will influence that relationship, and that of your children. When there are children in the mix, you must weigh every word, and every action, against whom it harms, or how it effects others. Your children ARE watching you. You learn that you have no say or control of others- what they chose to say or do; only of your self, your actions, and reactions. I get tired of pretending everything is fine- when it isn’t. But I have begun to learn to let things go, or to not waste my time and emotions on things that are out of my control, or that do not directly effect me. I also have found a renewed strength and confidence in my self that had been missing.
It is so complicated taking care of kids with severe allergies and add in other health issues, like a feeding tube, asthma, kidney issues. I will admit the hardest part for me is learning to contain my worry and concerns when my children are away from me. I find it’s hard for me to trust others to care for them. I worry that they will have a reaction, or get hurt. I worry about who they are around, if the new people are as cautious or educated about allergies. I worry about the day I get the phone call that something has happened, that someone has been epi’d, or is en route to a hospital. I have to remind myself that they could easily have a reaction at school or in my care as well, and that until it actually happens, I need to let go of the angst. But I confess, it is hard to do. Especially knowing the many stories of those who die from anaphylactic reactions. Each loss of life, strikes fear in my heart. That could happen to us. My greatest fear is losing my child. I can not fathom how a parent moves on from that. I don’t know if I could. I pray to God I never have to find out.
It hasn’t been easy starting over from scratch. After being out of work for the past 10 years it was hard finding work that could accommodate me as a single parent, but I have managed to find 3 part time jobs I can work from home, 1 part time job I can work outside of the home, and I am continuing to put on the annual Food Allergy Bloggers Conference. I have been fortunate to have had help from my family in getting a new home for the boys and I, and to have moved into a neighborhood with wonderful supportive friends around us. My children are adapting to the new routines and both boys continue to be happy, well adjusted and confident. I am hopeful and optimistic about my future, and about the good that I hope is in store for 2015.